The Way She Were :(

I have loved Jessica Simpson since the first moment that “Newlyweds” flashed across my television-screen. I felt an immediate connection to her unashamed girli-ness, her addiction to wedge sandals, her propensity for saying the dumbest shit literally ever uttered, but most of all her deep dedication to the art of buying clothes!

Episode after episode, I felt like Jess and I were becoming BestFriendsForeva! Forget, Casey Cobb- she needed Mimi T rolling around LA with her in that silver Benz.

Even when her perfection hair was up in an ugly ballerina bun and she was wearing (gasp!) hideo denim overalls with an orange tube top, I forged ahead with Jess. We were the perfect complimentary BFFs- she white, me black; she boobs with no resemblance of an ass, me ass with absolutely no boobs. Some thangs just work!

IDK my (former) BFF Jess

O, but it was not just my endless watching of that mind-numblingly wonderful reality show that displayed my devotion to Jessica. I listened to her music and wait for it- LIKED IT! I knew/know words to songs from more than one album that were never released on the radio.

(Disclaimer: I have totally turned my back on any/all efforts of Ms. Simpson to go country…a faux-lity-TV friendship can only go so far!)

For her continually glam, but effortless daytime looks and ultra-fem nighttime style, I counted JS as a style icon for most of the 2000’s. Like the rest of the world, I wondered WTF was going on with the gal when she went through that whole kinda-hip, kinda-brunette phase with John Mayer. Instead of turning away in disgust and confusion, I just took inspiration from her numerous rocker-tee and UGG-boot ensembles and rolled down my UGGs in solidarity. To say I was enthralled with Jess is an understatement!

BUT after seeing pictures from her most recent “concert,” I can no longer turn a blind eye to a friend’s problems.

I can hear your heart cryin' out for me!

I look back and realize that over the years, I have become an enabler. I stuck by her after those god-awful, pouch-enhancing high-waist jeans and even entertained the idea that “Public Affair” was a (hahahaha) good song!

But now, I must draw the line. Jessie, I’m not saying that you’re fat per se (fatt-er than mere months ago, yes! but regular fat, no!) I’m just saying that you must remember who you are- not the whole actor/singer part- but the gorgeous gal from Texas who charms equally with her bounty of beautiful bags as she does with her endearing lack of any real sense (common or otherwise).

Yes, boo, you may be in looooove with Mr. Romo, but don’t let that change you into Mrs. O-NO!

I am more than certain that the Jess of yester-year is hiding underneath yet another pair of  awful high-waist jeans. So please for the love of my-still-watched Newlyweds DVDs, let her free! There are Louis bags to be carried, Willy Rasts to be worn and  extensions to clip in!