PerfectPaltrow

Mrs. Paltrow-Martin has been catching some serious flak for her latest business ventures- her blog GOOP, her investment in tiny-tot trainer extraordinaire Tracey Anderson’s new NYC gym and her foodie travel show with Mario Batali (people should be ecstatic to see a celeb eating). Well, I am about to become a flag-flying citizen of the GP hater-nation. But this is more complex than celeb-hate- ya know those feelings of naseau and utter annoyance upon seeing Katy Perry, Paris Hilton or any other mid-to-low level “famous” person.

"Yea, my life really rules, doesn't it?"

I am so enthralled with Gwyn that I can hardly stand it sometimes. But then those feelings of dislike become so strong, that they can only represent total and utter jealously. So…to avoid this Emotional Rollercoaster in the future, I have composed a list of all the things I (love to) hate about Gwny Gal!

1. She’s Got Legs! Despite having two kiddies under the age of 5, Ms. P has a totally enviable figure. Her mini-skirt spree during last summer’s Iron Man promo tour was just sick. How dare a mother of 2 be so….HOT! She has legs for days (put a week on it!) and a tight lil’ bod to go with ’em. And what’s most laudable about Gwyn’s whole bangin’ body is how honest she is about the hard work that it took to bounce back after her second birth. None of that BS like most other stars about weight “just melting off after the quiet waterbirth of Totebag Banjo.”

She get it from her Mama!

2. Thank God I Found You… I don’t really give a rat’s ass about all of the “Gwyneth and Chris DIVORCE!” rumors, because they are one celeb couple who act like normal married people. They make it a point to not always be together, cheesing and wearing matching outfits (you know who you are). They are not constantly glowering at interviewers who ask questions about their relationship (what the hell else are you expecting the media to ask about?) Instead, they’re just Mama G and Daddy C to their adorable little rugrats, while also not giving a rodent’s rear about that annoying rumor mill!

3. (Nearly) Blemish-Free Film Repertoire Gwyneth must use the ProactivMethod of acting, because her film rep is almost crystal clear. Her worst films-View From the Top, Shallow Hal, and Duets would be Oscar-worthy work for the likes of Jess Biel and either Evas (Mendes of Longoria). How glorious was Gwyn in Shakespeare in Love (well, duh- Oscar win!) and so old-money fab in The Talented Mr. Ripley. And who woulda thunk she would pull off of the summer blockbuster Iron Man with such great comedic timing. The girl can act y’all, but most importantly, she knows when to purr Yay and when to growl Nay, an impulse lacking in even the best of actors.

4. Uptown Girl Educated at the prestigious all-girls school Spence, Gwyneth has got some serious NYC pedigree. She walks and talks like an Upper Crest New Yorker, but less in a pretentious way and more in a way that emits her NYC-insider status. In short, she makes those Gossip Gals look like backwoods trailer trash. Sorry, Leighton, you know I love ya!

5. Haute Mama As I mentioned previously, GP has two adorable children with hubby Chris Martin. And somehow she managed to expertly toe the line between celeb-strange and perfectly quirky when it came to naming the angels. It took me a lil’ bit to warm up to Apple and Moses, but after the recent celeb-baby boom of horrid monikers, those two sound about as outrageous as Jack and Jill.

"Wooo-hooo! We're rich and famous AND best friends!"

6. Yo Quiero Gwny P. To further emphasize her celeb-rare brainpower, Gwyneth spent a year abroad in Spain while a student at Spence and is now fluent in Spanish. Open wound. Rub salt. :(

7. Libran Twins I have loved Gwyneth since I first saw her in Great Expectations, but that love only grew deeper when I learned that we were birthday soulmates. Now, I love myself and all…shall I remind you of my stints as Narcissus? Buttt sharing the same birth date with such a shining beacon of perfection does sting quite a bit.

Rocker-Wife Chic

8. I’m Gonna Be the Most Popular Girl Though I am head-over heels obsessed with my best friends-MC, B, T, A&A & M- there is nothing quite like counting The Material Girl and The Best Rapper Alive as your BFF’s. Gwyneth works on her fitness with Madge and performs onstage with H-to-the-Izzo. You jealous, yet?

9. Boytoys She spent two years of her life with America’s All-Around Good Guy Ben Affleck and was engaged to one of the finest creatures to ever grace planet earth- Mr. Brad Pitt. I hate Ashanti as much as the next breathing homo sapian, but it must be said- Gwyn’s got that good-good.

10. Gonna Dress You Up in My Jeal! The ultimate dagger to my goo-green with envy heart is the fact that Gwyneth is a bonafide fashionista. As the face of Tods and Estee Lauder, Ms. P radiates class and elegance. But she possesses a personal style that is far more eclectic and interesting than her ad work. Whether rocking other famous BFF Stella McCartney’s funky-fresh pieces or going it high-end in Balmain and Lanvin, Gwnyeth always hits us with looks that are fresh and completely on-target.