You know that herbal tea, Sleepytime? Yea, you know the one.

SleepyStyle

Well, imagine me as that cute bear- curled up by the fire, with a red cap on and Fluffy the Kitty napping in my lap. Except on my little table is a television playing all of Sunday night’s Oscars “fashions.” And I use the word fashion very generously, because what happened last night was… ZZZZZZZ. O, Lordy, I’m sorry. Just talking about the SNOOZEFEST that was the Oscars dresses last night is an immediate sedative. Hell, tranquilizer even.You could shoot that shit through a blowdart and knock out a whole herd of elephants.

I can count on one hand-  not even the whole hand- the ensembles that impressed me. And 2 out of 3 of these people are really just sharing the Most Improved award, certainly NOT Best Dressed.

*Before I get into the real meat of this post, I really should apologize to all of y’all for this uncontrollable rage, but I am just so angry. No, you know what, I’m not only angry. I am thoroughly disappointed. Yep, Oscars, I pulled that card on your ass- dis-a-ppointment. Hurts, don’t it?*

And the award for Better Dressed Actress on the Red Carpet goes to… It’s a tie-Angelina Jolie and Tina Fey! Both women looked soooo…much better on Oscars night! It’s not that they usually look horrible- especially not the insanely beautiful Ms. Jolie! My God, that would be blasphemy! However, at the Golden Globes, Critic’s Choice, SAGs, etc, both ladies just looked a little off the mark. Angie in all that one-note fabric, and Tina with unpolished hair and blah dresses. But Sunday night, Angie and Tina showed us a little va-va-voom, and I liked it! Angie was classic glamour in inky black Elie Saab and Lorraine Schwartz emeralds that would make even Liz Taylor green with envy. She stayed true to her minimalistic ways, but finally gave us that “wow” factor. Funny gal Tina showed everyone she’s working with more than a few knock-knock jokes. She was so stunning in glittering Zac Posen, I had to do a digital double-take while perusing online pics. The barely-there cap sleeves and chevron-stripe champagne sequins flaunted her sexy shape. And her hair finally looked like it had been done in a salon, not her auntie’s basement. Let it Rock, Tina!

FilmNoir

TooHot4TV...well, almost

Baby, I swear it’s Deja Vu: Why was a fake-ass actress like Jessica Biel trying to be a fake-ass Eva Mendes…who is also a fake-ass actress? It’s a sick cycle, I tell ya! As soon as I saw JT’s main squeeze in a white gown with an exaggerated bow, I knew I had seen that look before…only this go ’round was like sniffin’ designer imposter perfume in Walgreens.While Eva’s look was fresh and fem, Jessica was drab and looked ten years older. Listen to your man, J, and bring the sexy back.

StyleSnatcher

You’re Uninvited: O, cool, there’s Hannah Montana! OMG! Troy and Gabriella. Is this the Disney Stars’ Prom? Wait, this is the Oscars…as in the Academy Awards? Um…why in the heeeezy are these teen clowns at the most prestigious awards show of the year? And in these ridiculous middle school formal dresses. You say Marchesa, I say McClintock. Yea, Miley’s Zuhair Murad dress was pretty…for a frickin’ cupcake! Since y’all are barely legal to drive, I’ll give you a pass this time, ladies. But why don’t y’all just sit at home and braid each others’ hair for the next few years…or at least until you pull a Dakota Fanning and get in a real movie.

PromQueen

I CAN wait to see you again!

Do You Mean I’m Just Average?: There was a whole slew of folk who were just soooo mediocre, they were…well, just that, blah blah blah, whatever. Their looks didn’t make my blood boil quite like some (Viola, Alicia, why?), but they didn’t make me squeal in sartorial satisfaction either. I simply found myself thinking…”Yea, yea that’s nice, NEXT!” Natalie Portman looked gorgeous in her magenta Rodarte, but besides her knock-out face, there was no real pop, so she would’ve looked just as good to me in organic jeans and some lil vegan shoes. Surprise, surprise, lil Annie Hathaway has once again done absolutely nothing for me. Do I have to repeat my whole schpiel again? The dress was pretty… enough, the jewels were glittering…somewha- ok, we’ve been through this before. Gimme gimme more, Annie, PUH-LEASE! Taraji Henson looked great in layered chiffon Cavalli, and that hair and make-up…bangin’, baby. Buttt, once again I wasn’t bowled over. In fact, I’m still just standing here, waiting for someone (anyone) to impress me. Hmm…Oscars 2010?

PrettyPortman

QueenieT

Bride Wars: Oooo, do I have some top-secret celeb gossip. Sarah Jessica Parker and Penelope Cruz are co-starring in a blockbuster movie this year. In fact, they rushed straight from the set to the Academy Awards. Did you guess the film? Bride Wars 2! It seems like an unlikely story, but that’s all I can come up with as for why both of these usually TDF-chic women were rocking the runaway bride look. There was too much princess-y tulle, two too many sweetheart necklines and overall too much David Bridal’s $99 sale. I loooove both of these women and typically cyber-stalk their styles, but Sunday night I just scurried away like it was bouquet-tossin’ time.

Goin to the Chapel...

BlushingBride